I'm a pastor. In my most honest moments I'll admit that I've always been a pastor and it's only recently that I've taken on the official title. This summer I'll gain the enduring title when I go before the Bishop and my fellow members of the Desert Southwest Annual Conference of the United Methodist Church and am ordained a Full Elder. (And PS. The UMC has been ordaining women for over 50 years now. Like real ordination. Same as the men.)
It's as a pastor that my brain just will not shut off. I don't preach weekly right now. At least not out loud anyway. Sermons are constantly being written in my head though. And I guess that's why I'm here. I'm a wife and a mom of 2 little ones now. Time is essential and so is brain space. I now store such important details as the location of the-last-size-3-diaper-because-size-4-will-cause-a-blowout as well as John Wesley's view on infant baptism; the names of every Disney princess along with the names of each of their respective princes and a ready response to the question, "What is heaven like?"
I've got to air out some space in my brain.
And then there's the tension I've felt for quite some time. Having been born in 1982, (save your gasps and groans ;) I'm on the older cusp of Generation Y/Millennials. I was also raised up in a mainline church denomination. (UMC) I have never known a day when church was popular or even mainstream. Declaring myself as a Christian has always come with the burden of explanation so as not to be identified with a negative stereotype. Many times, being recognized as a Christian among my peers has meant less friends, more accountability, and in one case a much lower grade.
I love God. The hope of redemption in Jesus Christ makes my heart soar every time the Holy Spirit works anywhere within my vicinity. The message of orthodox Christianity is so meaningful and powerful to me and I see fantastic, beautiful, transformative potential for the world in its message. But I often feel as if this hope is bouncing off a plexiglass bubble surrounding the faithful who are preaching and living it out. It is as if the much louder shouts of hate, violence, and condemnation are not only being broadcast so much further and wider than I can reach, but they are effectively shutting down my own efforts in a basketball pick-style block. When my thoughts get away from me I wonder if this message of hope and love and passion for all creation by a God who is well, everything...could it actually be lost? Could it be lost like the many languages of Native Americans or an entire species of animals gone extinct? Because it seems to me that this inner battle that Christianity is waging, liberal vs. conservative, is really only hurting the entire world's understanding of who God is. If people get tired of hearing the shouting and being on the receiving end of the finger pointing, they'll not only stop listening to the loudest voices, but also to the calmer, more gentle voices. In the end, won't people stop listening altogether when they hear the word Jesus? Plenty already do.
So, I guess this is the place where I speak a little louder. A little bolder. I accept your respectful criticism and welcome very much your insight and discussion. As a pastor, as a wife, as a mother...most of all, as a creation of God I would like to say this. God loves you. There's no qualification after that. There are no exceptions; no one left out. Every part of the holy trinity; Creator, Christ, and Holy Spirit...loves you. Now we move on to figure out who this God is who loves so absolutely and what it means to live in full knowledge and embrace of that love.
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